I was having a conversation with myself and it went like this.
“A lot of your past anger and irritation stemmed from a need to be free. You want to explore your inner world and yet you are affected by ‘the others’. Other things, other people, old thinking, emotions, insecurities, fears (the beginnings of a long list!).”
My inner world, just like yours probably, is very large at times, small at others, filled with shadow and light, loud and quiet voices and memories of events that were painful or pleasing. It’s a landscape that has always interested me. I’m interested in those memories and those voices so I focus my attention on the inside when I can. At the moment I have a lot of time. I’m very lucky I tell myself and I believe it.
Shiva is a part of my inner world now but He never used to be. Actually, I feel Him there quite a bit now that I’m able to remove the restrictions on what I involve Him in. Having Shiva inhabiting my inner world is very comforting. I think anything is possible now and believe it. Shiva tells me lots about myself which I sensed was true anyway, but when God confirms it and when I have a deep faith in and love for God, it enables me to act on that knowledge with ‘gay abandon’. And so I do. I have made a pact with myself that I will always do that from this moment on. Knowing God personally (and knowing I am a light being and everything is predestined) has given me the courage, strength, interest and enthusiasm to do this. Following His disciplines enables me to safely explore my darkest crevices and my highest peaks. These are yin and yang aspects. There is benefit in everything. My weaknesses become my strengths, my burdens become my wings.
I am an explorer, on the frontline of re-discovery of my original self, bravely lifting stones and kicking down walls just to see what’s underneath or on the other side. I soar, I dive, I run, I dance and sing. Shiva enables me to do this with impunity and is the reason why I love ‘Him’.
Oh well, back down the rabbit hole.